I didn’t want a Smart

Unlike most people reading this I didn’t want a Smart. I thought they were weird, funky little cars but didn’t consider them to hold a candle to my motorbike. I mean look at it - you can’t take them seriously can you? Then I drove one. Okay, it wasn’t ‘quick’ but it was nippy, responsive and the engine feels un-burstable. Even in standard trim it’s faster 30-50mph than a BMW 323i - not a lot of people know that. That was two and a half years and 40 odd thousand kilometres ago now. I lived with it in standard trim just as a tool, something to use when it rained and I didn’t want to get the bike dirty. One day on the way home from work I caught site of Graham (I’m sorry I don’t know his surname) in his pre-B.I.G Performance days.

He had a set of sportivas and a loud exhaust on. I went as fast as I could go, Graham easily outstripping me round the twisties near where I lived. We stopped at the local bike meet spot (where else!) and we swapped cars for a spin - wow what a revelation! I went around the roundabout several times just to make sure - it felt amazing. It gripped and felt like a go-kart and transformed the car’s handling. The under steer on the standard 135 front tyres is laughable sometimes (but at the same time very forgiving). Eventually after a long interlude I got myself a set of second hand Sportivas (see below). 195 Uniroyal ‘Rain tyres’ on the back and 175 Continental Eco Contacts on the front (from the rears of the originals).[pay]

However by this point the bike was gone and I needed that little bit more to keep myself entertained. I went to a smart club meet, which I found out about accidentally one Sunday trawling the Internet. I came across the ‘meetings’ section on www.thsmartclub.co.uk. Again there was Graham (who to this day I have only met twice!) this time in B.I.G Performance mode. We had a chat for a good 30 seconds by which time he had flogged me a scoop (at £5 off retail price - cheers!). I was sceptical about the sort of benefit that this metal weave £45 piece of art-work (they look great) would give me. If you think about it you have to consider the amount of drag your hand gets if you stick it out of a car window at any sort of speed.

There is a hell of a lot of pressure when you do that so I thought that it must make some improvement in making the engine breathe more easily. I think its effect is marginal but certainly worth it. It makes it freer revving and seem faster. Not a lot but certainly noticeably quicker. If you hadn’t driven the car every day you might not notice any difference. But take an unbiased opinion - they do make a difference. Next on the agenda was an exhaust - but not before a set of musical horns. I know, I know but when you find a cheap set of musical horns (£30 opposed to £50 normally - thank you Grove Accessories, Ealing, West London) it has to be done! The tune is “Bo***x and the Same to You”. They are now on the driver’s side under the car in the belly pan - thank you to The Swedish Car Centre, Ealing, and West London for fitting them. The exhaust came in the summer of 2002 (once again fitted by the Swedish Car Centre). I was pondering between a Janspeed twin exit exhaust, a B.I.G performance exhaust and the Ragazzon exhaust supplied by thesmartclub.co.uk.

To cut a long story short I plumped for the ragazzon. I’d seen several Janspeeds exhausts - I didn’t want what everybody else had so that was out. I didn’t want to spend a fortune so I went for the ragazzon. The difference wasn’t immediately apparent when it was fitted. It took probably a thousand kilometres before it really settled in and started making a lovely noise (but not very loud thank goodness - I do a lot of motorway miles). It was perfect and just what I was looking for. Fruity but not boomy in the cabin. I’ve certainly had no problems with it and am very happy with the looks and noise.

The standard eco contacts are exactly that - economical with the contact with the road. Unless they were really hot they really weren’t up to much. A 175-section tyre is quite rare - apart from similar economy tyres. As a replacement I had fitted a 185/55/15 Toyo Proxes TR-1S. This is far superior - standard fitment on a BMW M5, 3rd overall in the Evo tyre test Nov. 02 - and was what I wanted. Unfortunately they don’t fit exactly right and I have heard of some tyre fitters not willing to fit them to Sportiva rims. They also catch on the wheel arches occasionally as there is only 3-4mm clearance on full lock (any suspension movement and they catch). Still, I was convinced they fit and the customer is always right! (I’ve done 2,000km now). Whilst on my trip to Smarts-R-Us I was told what they did to solve such a problem. You can actually pull the whole font panel forward by the part near the radiator and mount an extension to keep it in the forward position (just a cut up number plate). I’ve yet to do this, so more to follow.

My final major expense has been the re-map. This is a re-mapping of the fuel injection system to gain more power (I’m not going to go into any more technical details because that is about the limit of my understanding of it!). Car manufacturers build cars with quite high tolerances so that they will last a long time and are less likely to have any mechanical problems. However this over- engineering saps power. Enter Smarts-R-Us and a laptop computer. It is literally plugging in a computer and altering the ECU via that link.

I decided that I wanted more mid-range so that I could over-take a little bit more easily and keep up with faster cars at the ‘traffic light grand prix’. The biggest advantage was on the motorway - 6th gear and 85 mph are easy now. No more changing down into 5th every time there is a hill. For £299 it doesn’t sound like a lot of work but you do get a three-year guarantee and back up if there are any problems. My car being a MK3 is prone to the engine management warning light staying on after a re-map I was informed - and it did stay on. This is very worrying but Smarts-R-Us have told me this is perfectly fine and normal and if it does not go off after 15 hours of driving to give them a call and they will sort it out by coming to me (which I thought was an excellent offer because its quite a trek to them in Nottingham for me).

I have only had this done in the last week (at the time of writing this) and am still getting used to it - it takes a whole new approach to drive. At 3k rpm it’s all change and it’s actually got some oomph. So much so that hitting three thousand whilst exiting a tight roundabout (or turning onto a wet road) has the traction control losing it and the rear wheels spinning out of the bend. Would that be called a tail slide? Nah, can’t be - it’s a Smart . . . .

The standard stereo is fairly poor so I have also had fitted a fairly swanky Pioneer flip front single CD. It was cheaper than the Smart sound upgrade and kept the original speakers but the output is a lot better now. I’m not into ICE systems and that sort of thing but a replacement stereo really does make long journeys shorter. I can’t quite make my ears bleed with the new set-up but its great for what I want it to do.

I’ve also had Phillips +50% brightness bulbs fitted (the standard ones aren’t bad but these are better). They are about £12 each from any car accessories store or motorcycle accessories store - they are just standard H4 fitments. A warning though - they are a complete son of a bitch to fit. Somebody is having a laugh at smart somewhere. Lastly there’s the Sigma category 3 alarm/ immobiliser. The alarm/immobiliser was possibly a mistake because my insurance company informed me that this made absolutely no difference to my premium. I think it adds piece of mind for my benefit though.

Next on the list of things to do is: Fit clear indicator lenses, sort out wheel arches to make them fit the tyres, fit sports springs on the rear and fit a dump valve.

On the back burner: Fit MS Design Body-kit, drive to Sahara and back.

Submitted By:

Dan Lynch, Norwich[/pay]

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